Through the Looking Glass
i don’t know much about love.  in fact, i probably know close to nothing.  and i almost always screw up when i am asked to give advice on it. when i was discussing it today with someone  very dear to me, we went back to one idea over and over again- “I’m not as happy as i used to be.” as we hung up, it hit me.  everything that my father, my mother, my teachers, my mentors, those much wiser than myself have always told me when they have seen me floundering.  it isn’t about me and my happiness. if that’s what i am worried about, i need to get over myself.  when i look back on some of the stupidest, most hurtful mistakes that i have made, i have made all of them when i was focused on myself and my happiness, not the person that i was with.and that terrifies me.  not because i have made those choices; even though many of them i still struggle with on a daily basis. but because i am scared that i am going to be that stupid again. and again.  I’m okay with making mistakes.  but I’m not okay with making the same mistake twice. and i have…. I’ve made the same mistake over and over and over and over again… because i was worried about myself and my own happiness (or lack there of).and when i think about when i have been most at peace with my relationships, when i have been most happy, its always been when i have been completely committed to that other person and to doing what is best for that person (even if it doesn’t make him happy at that very moment).i do not need someone else to make me happy.  but i need to be able to understand sacrifice and complete commitment to understand love. last year i was talking to one of my coworkers that was struggling with what to do about a relationship mess that she was in.  we both were. but one thing she said to me clicked.  i was so worried about completely committing to my relationship- because i was certain that i was going to have my heart torn out and i didn’t want to pick myself up from that again- and she was just committing to her new (and old) relationship.  she said that she got to a point where she knew that she just had to jump.  if she didn’t, she knew that she would regret not at least giving it her all. and if it failed, she would be okay, as much as every part of her was telling her that she wouldn’t. my day and night do not entirely revolve around the person that i love.  and i don’t think that they should.  but it is my job to make him apart of the world that i am living in.  and maybe at some point we will finally start building a world together; but it isn’t going to happen when i am completely focused on my happiness.you were right, humans are weird.

i don’t know much about love.  in fact, i probably know close to nothing.  and i almost always screw up when i am asked to give advice on it. when i was discussing it today with someone  very dear to me, we went back to one idea over and over again- “I’m not as happy as i used to be.” as we hung up, it hit me.  everything that my father, my mother, my teachers, my mentors, those much wiser than myself have always told me when they have seen me floundering.  it isn’t about me and my happiness. if that’s what i am worried about, i need to get over myself.  when i look back on some of the stupidest, most hurtful mistakes that i have made, i have made all of them when i was focused on myself and my happiness, not the person that i was with.

and that terrifies me.  

not because i have made those choices; even though many of them i still struggle with on a daily basis. but because i am scared that i am going to be that stupid again. and again.  I’m okay with making mistakes.  but I’m not okay with making the same mistake twice. and i have…. I’ve made the same mistake over and over and over and over again… because i was worried about myself and my own happiness (or lack there of).

and when i think about when i have been most at peace with my relationships, when i have been most happy, its always been when i have been completely committed to that other person and to doing what is best for that person (even if it doesn’t make him happy at that very moment).

i do not need someone else to make me happy.  but i need to be able to understand sacrifice and complete commitment to understand love.

last year i was talking to one of my coworkers that was struggling with what to do about a relationship mess that she was in.  we both were. but one thing she said to me clicked.  i was so worried about completely committing to my relationship- because i was certain that i was going to have my heart torn out and i didn’t want to pick myself up from that again- and she was just committing to her new (and old) relationship.  she said that she got to a point where she knew that she just had to jump.  if she didn’t, she knew that she would regret not at least giving it her all. and if it failed, she would be okay, as much as every part of her was telling her that she wouldn’t.

my day and night do not entirely revolve around the person that i love.  and i don’t think that they should.  but it is my job to make him apart of the world that i am living in.  and maybe at some point we will finally start building a world together; but it isn’t going to happen when i am completely focused on my happiness.

you were right, humans are weird.

this past weekend, i was asked what the best part of my week was.  after a long pause, i dishearteningly responded by saying that there werent any high points, really, that it was a lot of tough, emotionally exhausting situations.  i talked with one of my coworkers about this yesterday, expressing that it truly is heartbreaking how few successes we see, and when we do see them, we are often jaded or skeptical, wondering how long they will actually last.  
when i was debating what to go into, i knew that i wouldnt be able to do clinical work. i knew i would take my clients home with me, that i wouldnt be able to have a life outside of work.  what i wasnt expecting was to have that same carryover in my current field.  i thought that it would be easy to leave work at work.  i couldnt have been more wrong.  ive been a little frustrated by this- it has impacted my relationships in ways that i regret. but today, it hit me.  i will take that baggage… the moment i stop caring, that is the moment i need to look into a different career.

this past weekend, i was asked what the best part of my week was.  after a long pause, i dishearteningly responded by saying that there werent any high points, really, that it was a lot of tough, emotionally exhausting situations.  i talked with one of my coworkers about this yesterday, expressing that it truly is heartbreaking how few successes we see, and when we do see them, we are often jaded or skeptical, wondering how long they will actually last. 

when i was debating what to go into, i knew that i wouldnt be able to do clinical work. i knew i would take my clients home with me, that i wouldnt be able to have a life outside of work.  what i wasnt expecting was to have that same carryover in my current field.  i thought that it would be easy to leave work at work.  i couldnt have been more wrong.  ive been a little frustrated by this- it has impacted my relationships in ways that i regret. but today, it hit me.  i will take that baggage… the moment i stop caring, that is the moment i need to look into a different career.

things are not good again. i thought for a long time that i was in control of them.  for some bizarre reason, i thought that they would get better after may was over.  and they did get better for a little while.
i saw the hole that i was in this past spring when it was questioned by my other half. after that i really tried to be better.  and then it was brought up again because i really wasnt. 
and now, for the first time, im fighting with myself alone. and it is terrifying. almost as terrifying as asking for help.

things are not good again. i thought for a long time that i was in control of them.  for some bizarre reason, i thought that they would get better after may was over.  and they did get better for a little while.

i saw the hole that i was in this past spring when it was questioned by my other half. after that i really tried to be better.  and then it was brought up again because i really wasnt.

and now, for the first time, im fighting with myself alone. and it is terrifying. almost as terrifying as asking for help.

work starts again tomorrow.  while this summer has gone far too quickly, i am really trying to be at peace with today.

work starts again tomorrow.  while this summer has gone far too quickly, i am really trying to be at peace with today.

bunny crossings

its been quite a while.  i have always known that when i let certain parts of my self go without being nurtured, i end up in a dark place.  one of the most wonderful people that i know has always been good at telling me, “you know, things have been rough for X time period.  i haven’t been taking care of myself and i have been doing things i shouldn’t.  but it hit me how unhappy i have been, so now i am determined to make things better.” and he always does.  it amazes me overtime how he is able to recognize his mistakes and, instead of wallowing in them, he picks himself back up and tries harder.  he is an inspiration to me.

 

there have been many times where i have wanted to sit down and write everything going through my mind.  the difficult times recently, as well as the good ones.  my feelings on boston, and how i have never felt more connected to a community, and the emptiness that i have been running on. but i haven’t.  i have been too busy or too lazy, depending on the day. but in all actuality, we make time for the things and people that we want to make time for.  so, things are changing. i have made a list and i am ready to change them.

 

three months.  every year, without fail, i injure myself running. always always always in january.  this year, several fractures sidelined my running for three months.  i cannot describe the initial panic and anxiety that i feel when i am told that i am again not going to be running.  but it always is a good thing.  the cross training that i have been doing has allowed me to push myself to exhaustion, and feel the same weakness that i feel when i run. and it allows me to retrain my mind.  this week was the first time that i was able to do two long runs in a week, and while i am not at where i would like to be, i am learning to be a little kinder and more patient with myself.

 

the first steps of my run this morning were met instantaneously with tears.  they continued only for a short bit, until i told myself to stop.  instead i focused on my breathing, my toes touching the ground, the beat of the music.  i felt my ankles, now weak from lower impact workouts, and i felt my chest, being torn apart by exhaustion.  and i got angry.  and i made a list. a list of everything that has made me feel this exhausted. the relationships, the doctors, the work.

 

and then i stopped. and it occurred to me that i was looking at every single one of those things wrong.  each of the items on my list had good in them.  some i had to dig a little deeper to understand and see the good in than others, but everyone of them had something very specific that i could be grateful for.

 

im not stupid.  my list is filled with things that are going to take a lot of work to fix.  but im not going to put my head down and accept the darkness anymore.  im ready for light again.